Was I really abducted by aliens or am I just crazy?

Only you can answer that question, but this quiz might help. Keep in mind, however, that the aliens and certain powerful terrestrial interests would love nothing more than for you to accept that your abduction experience was a drug- or mental illness-induced hallucination. Do you really want to trust the aliens and/or Joe Biden on something so important? Food for thought....

Ok, I took the quiz and I was definitely abducted. What now?

We regret to inform you that your life will be forever changed by the experience.

"Forever changed" in a good way or a bad way?

If it were in a good way, we wouldn't have said "We regret to inform you." We would have said "We are delighted to inform you." Unfortunately, we are not delighted to inform you. We regret to inform you.

What sort of terrible things can I expect?

For one thing, you should expect to be abducted again. That’s right: Like Jesus Christ and Sting, the aliens will come again. In all likelihood you will be abducted multiple times over the course of your life, and each experience will further weaken your already tenuous grip on reality.

Can the FBI or some government agency do anything to help me?

Great idea! Why didn’t we think of that? Click here to report your experience to the proper authorities. Go for it! It will solve all your problems.

…Thanks a lot.

Back already? Wow, I guess you’re not the smartest person ever to be abducted by aliens. You’re not the one who figured out the exact right thing to do the very first time it ever happened. Listen, bucko: You were abducted by aliens and now your life sucks. Get used to it.

Oh, great. This is just what I need.

Tell us about it. How do you think we feel? This recovery guide might help. Or it might not. What do we know? We just built this whole website to help guide you through this experience.