A Beginner’s Guide to Recovering From Abduction.
So...you've been abducted by aliens and lived to tell the tale.
Your life will never be the same, and you may never fully recover from the trauma. From now on, existence itself will be a constant nightmare. For what little it's worth, we've prepared this guide to help you hold onto whatever shreds of sanity remain. We hope it helps you get by.
First things first: They can read your thoughts.
This is obviously not great, but it's probably not as bad as it sounds: Your thoughts are probably pretty boring. There is also some evidence to suggest that tin foil can stymie their mind-reading rays.
Long-term, though, your thoughts are not what is most at risk.
The greater danger is that you will be abducted again, and subjected to further experiments, abuses, and tortures. Most abductees are taken multiple times - the record, held by Alberto Fraich of Gleason, Illinois, is at least 83. Alberto went insane and was institutionalized in 2005.
The problem is that they have your DNA.
This allows them to track your location at all times using their sophisticated alien technology. A solution to this quandary may lay in Re-coding Your DNA - essentially "scrambling" it so that the aliens lose track of you and are unable to abduct you. You can do this at a low level by standing next to an in-use microwave for extended periods of time. Unfortunately, this won't be sufficient by itself to conceal you from your abductors.
So what is the answer?
Standing next to *a lot* of in-use microwaves for *extremely* extended periods of time. I'm talking maybe 10-15 microwaves set to high for about 10 hours a day. I know what you're thinking: I don't have 10-15 microwaves! Well, I suggest you Make Arrangements Regarding obtaining some. Your well-being and even your life may depend on it.
We all want to Ensure No Extra-Terrestrials Harm Our Rectums with their probes.
That's why we stand next to a bank of 10-15 microwaves for about 10 hours a day, at least twice a week. That's what you need to do, as well: Make Arrangements Regarding Re-coding Your DNA to Ensure No Extra-Terrestrials Harm Our Rectums!
If you are forgetful, you can remember what you need to do with the use of this helpful acronym:
MARRY DENETHOR!
(Make Arrangements Regarding Re-coding Your DNA to Ensure No Extra-Terrestrials Harm Our Rectums)